aleph symbol with title UNSONG

Interlude נ: CHANGELOG

[High Holy Days bonus Interlude. Not exactly canon.]

PATCH 5776.11 IS NOW COMPLETE. WORK HAS BEGUN ON PATCH 5777.0. HERE IS A FINAL CHANGELOG FOR PATCH 5776.11:

1. HUMANS NO LONGER DEPLETE WILLPOWER WHEN ENGAGING IN DIFFICULT TASKS; GLUCOSE NO LONGER NECESSARY TO REPLENISH IT.
2. ROCKETS CAN NOW LAND ON PLATFORMS AND BE REUSED IF NEEDED.
3. USER FFUKUYAMA COMPLAINS THAT THE POLITICAL SYSTEM HAS BECOME BORING. IN ORDER TO MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING, FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES WILL OCCASIONALLY FLIRT WITH FAR-RIGHT NATIONALISM.
4. UK NO LONGER CONSIDERED PART OF EUROPE FOR PURPOSE OF ECONOMIC BONUSES.
5. VOLKSWAGENS NOW REPORT CORRECT GAS MILEAGE STATISTICS.
6. FOUR NEW ELEMENTS ADDED TO PERIODIC TABLE, BUT THEY DO NOT HAVE MANY FEATURES RIGHT NOW.
7. NEW DISEASE ADDED: ZIKA VIRUS HAS STANDARD INFECTION RISK BUT DEALS EXTRA DAMAGE TO FETUSES IN UTERO. COME UP WITH BETTER NAME LATER.
8. NPCS NO LONGER TREAT MARIJUANA AS DEADLY MIND-ALTERING TOXIN.
9. MANUALLY ADDED EXTRA RAIN TO CALIFORNIA; WILL FIX CLIMATE SYSTEM LATER.
10. NUTRITIONAL SYSTEM HAS BEEN REWORKED WITH MAJOR CHANGES IN WHICH FOODS CAUSE CANCER AND HEART DISEASE. I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL DO THIS.
11. ADDED SIMPLE MODE FOR NUTRITIONAL SYSTEM SO USERS CAN CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT TO MANUALLY BALANCE THEIR NUTRITION.
12. AFFLUENZA STILL IS NOT A REAL DISEASE. PLEASE STOP REQUESTING THIS FEATURE.
13. CHINA NO LONGER ABLE TO CREATE INFINITE MONEY BY TAKING OUT NEW LOANS TO COVER PREVIOUS LOANS.
14. SHARKS WERE PREVIOUSLY MUCH LESS DANGEROUS THAN DOCUMENTATION SUGGESTED. SHARKS HAVE BEEN UPDATED TO BE MUCH MORE DANGEROUS.
15. DRONE USES EXPANDED BEYOND MURDERING FOREIGN CHILDREN TO INCLUDE PHOTOGRAPHY AND PIZZA DELIVERY.
16. FIXED ISSUE WHERE ONLY DRUNK PEOPLE COULD SEE BIGFOOT. ALL PRIMATES ARE NOW VISIBLE REGARDLESS OF SOBRIETY STATUS.
17. ALL MEMES FROM 2015 AND EARLIER HAVE BEEN DEACTIVATED AND NO LONGER PRODUCE INAPPROPRIATE FASCINATION. PLEASE REPORT NEW MEMES AS THEY ARISE.
18. IMPROVED TASTE OF PLANT-BASED MEAT REPLACEMENT PRODUCTS AS PART OF PLAN TO PHASE OUT ANIMALS BY PATCH 5810.0.
19. PARTY PRIMARIES NOW PROMOTE A RANDOM MIX OF QUALIFIED CANDIDATES AND MEGALOMANIACAL BUFFOONS.
20. THANKS TO USER RDAWKINS FOR POINTING OUT SEVERAL CONTRADICTIONS IN THE BIBLE. THESE HAVE BEEN FIXED. I CONTINUE TO OFFER 2.56 SHEKELS TO ANYONE WHO REPORTS A NEW BIBLICAL CONTRADICTION.
21. NOW POSSIBLE TO USE LOGICAL INDUCTION TO PREDICT LIKELIHOOD OF MATHEMATICAL TRUTH BEFORE PROOF HAS BEEN DEVELOPED.
22. UPDATED WHO WILL DIE BY FIRE AND WHO BY WATER, WHO BY SWORD AND WHO BY FAMINE. NOBODY WILL DIE FROM WILD BEASTS. PLEASE STOP REQUESTING THIS FEATURE.

SEVERAL TOPICS HAVE BEEN FLAGGED AS CONTINUED ISSUES THAT REQUIRE FURTHER WORK IN PATCH 5777.0:

1. EVERYTHING ABOUT SYRIA IS TERRIBLE AND I AM SORRY.
2. INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT POLITICAL ISSUES, POLITICIANS SOMETIMES TALK ABOUT CARTOON FROGS.
3. STOCK MARKET KEEPS CRASHING. NEED TO FINALLY MAKE THIS STABLE OR JUST COMMENT OUT ENTIRE FINANCIAL SYSTEM.
4. HAVE RECEIVED REPORTS THAT EXPERIMENTAL SPACE DRIVES VIOLATE CONSERVATION OF MOMENTUM. STILL INVESTIGATING THIS.
5. SOMETIMES PEOPLE GO INTO PUBLIC PLACES AND SHOOT A LOT OF INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR NO REASON.
6. RAISING MINIMUM WAGE STILL DOES NOT INCREASE UNEMPLOYMENT. THANKS TO ALL USERS WHO BROUGHT THIS TO MY ATTENTION.
7. ACTUALLY I AM NOT SURE WHY I THOUGHT PARTY PRIMARIES PROMOTING MEGALOMANIACAL BUFFOONS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA AND I SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THIS BACK BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.
8. ELON MUSK IS OVERPOWERED AND NEEDS TO BE NERFED.
9. MUSLIMS KEEP HAVING WARS AND TERRORIST ATTACKS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE THE RELIGION OF PEACE. NEED TO EITHER CHANGE RELIGION-SPECIFIC PROBABILITY OF VIOLENCE, OR ELSE SWITCH WHICH RELIGION GETS ‘RELIGION OF PEACE’ DESIGNATION.
10. PEOPLE CAN GET INFINITE LIFESPAN BY INJECTING BLOOD OF YOUNGER PEOPLE.
11. HOMEOPATHY STILL DOES NOT WORK PROPERLY. AT THIS POINT I MIGHT JUST DELETE THE WHOLE SYSTEM AND STICK WITH ONLY ONE FORM OF MEDICINE.
12. SPELLING OF “BERENSTAIN BEARS” CHILDREN’S SERIES REMAINS UNSTABLE.
13. SHIPS GIVEN THE NAME “WINDOC” ALWAYS CRASH INTO BRIDGES. THIS IS NOT AN EASTER EGG AND I AM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY IT HAPPENS.
14. STAR KIC 8462852 IN CONSTELLATION CYGNUS IS BROKEN. SINCE THERE ARE MILLIONS OF STARS I THINK THIS IS STILL A PRETTY GOOD TRACK RECORD THOUGH.
15. EXPLOIT WHERE YOU CAN DESTROY AN ENTIRE ANIMAL SPECIES JUST BY GENETICALLY ENGINEERING ONE INDIVIDUAL. IF ANYONE TRIES THIS I WILL SMITE THEM.
16. ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY WAS SUPPOSED TO RELEASE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE, INSTEAD JUST RELEASED FIRST STAR WARS MOVIE AGAIN WITH NEW CHARACTER NAMES. WILL INVESTIGATE AND SOLVE BEFORE ANY NEW STAR WARS MOVIES COME OUT.
17. MEN CONTINUE TO OUTPERFORM WOMEN IN VARIOUS FIELDS. I AM AWARE OF THIS PROBLEM. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME ANGRY EMAILS.
18. KIM JONG-UN IS ABLE TO GET HOLES-IN-ONE EVERY TIME HE GOES GOLFING. THIS IS AN ERROR AND ALL DICTATORS SHOULD HAVE NORMAL GOLF SKILLS, BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO REPLICATE THE ISSUE YET.
19. “MIRACLE BERRY” EXPLOIT STILL CRASHES HUMAN GUSTATORY RECEPTORS.
20. PEOPLE KEEP GETTING BORN IN WRONG GENDER BODIES. WHOEVER IS BOILING A GOAT IN ITS MOTHER’S MILK NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT NOW.

NEW ISSUES WILL BE ADDED TO THE QUEUE AS THEY ARISE. THERE MAY BE SOME GLITCHES AS THE SYSTEM IS UPDATED TO PATCH 5777.0. IF YOU NOTICE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD, PLEASE SUBMIT A TICKET USING THE PROCEDURE DESCRIBED IN JEZUBOAD 3:2. PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SUBMIT A TICKET THROUGH PRAYER. ANY REPORTS RECEIVED THROUGH PRAYER WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED.

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114 Responses to Interlude נ: CHANGELOG

  1. benzrf says:

    frist!

  2. Ian Bindley says:

    Typo thread!

    You spelt it Berenstain Bears, but it should be Berenstein*.

    • Circumlocution Office says:

      It’s almost as if the spelling remained unstable, or something.

    • Peffern says:

      >Typo thread!

      >You spelt it Berenstein Bears, but it should be Berenstain*.

      It’s actually Berenstein, so Scott was right.

      • Aegeus says:

        Not to spoil a good argument, but the page randomly changes the spelling of all instances of Berenst[a,e]in, so we don’t know which one of you got it right.

    • Anonymous says:

      Not a typo, but a nitpick:

      USER FFUKUYAMA

      USER RDAWKINS

      ELON MUSK

      KIM JONG-UN

      seems like an inconsistency. Also, with the ‘first-name initial and last name’ convention for ‘usernames’, Uriel is going to run into identifier clashes very soon; I’m sure there is more than one F. Fukuyama and R. Dawkins in the world.

      • Autolykos says:

        Context is different, though. The former two are users sending in reports, the latter are users being reported. So one syntax might be account names, and the other nicknames.

      • Saint Fiasco says:

        Maybe ELON MUSK and KIM JONG-UN are NPCs. How can we tell?

        • Daniel Speyer says:

          If Elon is OP, then he sounds like a *playable* character, whereas RDawkins sounds like a *player*.

          Not sure how this works.

          • yomikoma says:

            NPCs can be overpowered too – if PCs are possibly competing with them you would want to control relative advantage to some degree.

  3. LHC says:

    Jezuboad 3:2

    AND WHOEVER THROWS UP THEIR ARMS AND SAYS “I GUESS THAT’S JUST LIFE” WILL HAVE THEIR CONCERNS ADDRESSED.

  4. Daniel says:

    Fantastic. I think this should be crossposted to SSC.

  5. Daniel Blank says:

    I’d really like to read the Book of Jezuboad now. Future interlude?

  6. JB says:

    I was just thinking how great an Unsong Omake chapter would be 🙂

    TINACB guess Bem was right after all.

  7. stavro375 says:

    23. ROLLED BACK MILITARY COUP IN TURKEY. APOLOGIES TO USER TERDOGAN, AND OTHERS ADVERSELY AFFECTED BY THIS EVENT.

    24. THE “HURRICANE MATTHEW” SPECIAL EVENT HAS ENDED. IF YOU WANTED TO PARTICIPATE, TOUGH LUCK.

    25. CHANGED FILM API TO ENABLE BROADER RANGE OF VIDEO GAME-TO-MOVIE ADAPTATIONS. EXPECT MORE DEVELOPMENTS IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

    • Deiseach says:

      Was Erdogan adversely affected? I don’t quite get on board with the conspiracy theories that he engineered the whole thing himself, but it certainly ended extraordinarily well for him. Though I suppose the phrasing does indicate that it was not so much Erdogan himself, as others (the coup plotters, persons Erdogan didn’t like such as journalists) who were indeed affected in an adverse manner.

  8. The coment king says:

    Awesome.
    References I didn’t get, if anyone has a link: 11,13,14 in part 1, and 15,19 in part 2.

    21 is (I think) a misstatement – they developed a general formalization for the notion of logical induction and described properties it should have, not a specific efficient algorithm to solve it. (I only skimmed the short version, though, so if anyone read the whole thing please correct me).

    Re 17 of part 1: Ken Bone. (This isn’t going to stay for long, so let’s enjoy it while we can).

  9. anonymous says:

    Unrelated, but could you put the vote link under on the sidebar (say under meta)?

  10. Metatron says:

    I’m sure it should be: RAISING MINIMUM WAGE STILL DOES NOT DECREASE UNEMPLOYMENT.

    • XerxesPraelor says:

      No, the idea is that economic theory predicts that minimum wage would increase unemployment, but for some reason studies show that it doesn’t. This may be caused by a bug.

  11. Ben Kuhn says:

    Compare to the Dwarf Fortress changelog:

    Visitors begin attacking citizens and long-term residents when a siege starts (Toady One) – resolved.

    Dragonfire ignores metals (Toady One) – resolved.

    All animals are described as “Gigantic” (Toady One) – resolved.

    Placing items on tables duplicates the item. (Toady One) – resolved.

    Dwarfs acquire and equip multiple empty goblets (Toady One) – resolved.

    Certain buildings’ layout changes every time to visit them (Toady One) – resolved.

    Necks almost always are easier to hit than Upper and Lower Body parts (Toady One) – resolved.

    Solid density of quicklime set to placeholder value (Toady One) – resolved.

    Moon snail men can’t punch or see (Toady One) – resolved.

    permanent residents do not apply for full citizenship (Toady One) – resolved.

    Vampires become unstoppable in worldgen in cities large enough for temple+sewers – causes depopulation (Toady One) – resolved.

    Cats dying for no reason – alcohol poisoning? (Toady One) – resolved.

  12. Error says:

    I’m guessing nobody’s watching the thread for chapter 24 at this point, so an omake chapter seems as good a place as any to say that this part moved me greatly:

    “Which group does God want to have the Holy Land? The Israelis or the Palestinians?”

    All right. Think. This is a trap. [and then basically the next several paragraphs of Uriel trying to figure out exactly how he’s being tricked]

    This is an absolutely perfect rendition of what malicious social maneuvering feels like, to someone who doesn’t know how to handle it. I grew up having experiences like that all the time; that is, cases where the socially adroit would deliberately set me up to put my foot in my mouth, and all my attempts to avoid it just made it worse. I’ve never seen that sense of helplessness captured the way it is here. I had to read that passage in chunks, and rest my brain in between.

    • The coment king says:

      I didn’t have quite that experience, but the part where everyone suddenly and inexplicably unites in an angry mob against you… that hit me.

    • Deiseach says:

      Uriel should have said “The Samaritans”.

    • LPSP says:

      The trick is 50% expecting this stuff, and 50% laughing at it as cheap bait. Not always easy to do, but well worth it as a tactic. It’s just trolling after all.

  13. Aran says:

    16. FIXED ISSUE WHERE ONLY DRUNK PEOPLE COULD SEE BIGFOOT. ALL PRIMATES ARE NOW VISIBLE REGARDLESS OF SOBRIETY STATUS.

    (KNOWN ISSUES: THIS CHANGE INADVERTENTLY AFFECTED HALLUCINATORY MAMMALS INCLUDING THE AMBIEN WALRUS, WHICH ARE NOW ALSO OCCASIONALLY VISIBLE REGARDLESS OF SOBRIETY STATUS.)

  14. Shouldn’t this have been done on Purim?

    • Daniel Speyer says:

      It was. Yom HaKippurim and Yom Purim are the same holiday. The casting of lots, the reluctant prophet, the dramatic reveal of secret Judaism, the fasting, the three day wait for deliverance, even the names… None of these things are co-incidences.

  15. hnau says:

    POLITICAL HUMOR IS STILL NOT SUPPORTED FOR THOSE OUTSIDE THE AUTHOR’S INGROUP. THIS WAS AN INTENTIONAL DESIGN DECISION. PLEASE STOP ASSUMING THAT I HAVE FIXED THIS.

    • Anonymous says:

      Not to mention mentioning ‘PARTY PRIMARIES’ and ‘ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY’ without specifying which country’s, because it’s obvious that the United States is the centre of the world, right?

      (Well yes, Unsong has already established that before. Not that I have to like it.)

  16. alkatyn says:

    [Bug repot] Spawn rates for NPC type “clowns” are bugged. Spawning in random locations and times, causing interference with other questlines.

  17. Deiseach says:

    HUMANS NO LONGER DEPLETE WILLPOWER WHEN ENGAGING IN DIFFICULT TASKS; GLUCOSE NO LONGER NECESSARY TO REPLENISH IT.

    I have not received this patch, when can I expect the update? 🙂

  18. Dirdle says:

    Urgh, another power-creep patch.

  19. Rob says:

    The first time we met Uriel, I tried to make a @SysadminOfUniverse or @AdminHaOlam twitter account that would tweet pretty much exactly this, but was stymied by the fact that twitter absolutely will not allow anything that looks like “admin” in a twitter handle.

  20. Deiseach says:

    19. “MIRACLE BERRY” EXPLOIT STILL CRASHES HUMAN GUSTATORY RECEPTORS.

    Once Uriel fixes that, he’ll need to work on the electronic spoons.

    Nothing Is Ever A Coincidence 🙂

  21. Samuel Martin says:

    ADDENDUM 1: MULTIPLE USERS CONTINUE TO REPORT ‘BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO GOOD PEOPLE’ AS A BUG. THIS IS AN ESSENTIAL PIECE OF GAME BALANCING AND CANNOT BE REMOVED WITHOUT CAUSING GAME-BREAKING CRASHES.

    ADDENDUM 2: USERS CONTINUE TO REPORT RANDOM SUBSTANCES LOSING ALL ELECTRICAL RESISTANCE AT LOW TEMPERATURES, REGARDLESS OF CONDUCTIVE PROPERTIES. I’VE DECIDED NOT TO FIX THIS BUG AFTER SEEING AWESOME COMMUNITY CREATIONS BUILT TO EXPLOIT IT

    • Utilitaria says:

      ADDENDUM 3: FTL TRAVEL IS never COMING IN ANY FUTURE UPDATE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO SQUASH ANY BUGS THAT SUPPORT IT. SUPERSYMMETRIC PARTICLES CAUSE PHYSICS-BREAKING CRASHES WHENEVER I TRY TO LOAD THEM SO UNFORTUNATELY I’VE HAD TO DELAY THAT UPDATE.

      ADDENDUM 4: NEW HARRY POTTER STORIES ARE STILL BEING RELEASED, BUT APPEAR TO BE GARBLED VERSIONS OF OLDER STORIES. PROBABLY RELATED TO THE STAR WARS BUG. PEOPLE CONTINUE TO CLAIM OUT OF BODY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES BUT I HAVE SO FAR BEEN UNABLE TO REPLICATE THE ISSUE.

  22. Moshe Zadka says:

    Expected to see it already in the comment stream: putting out an update on Yom Kippur was both the most appropriate thing and the most inappropriate thing for Unsong I can imagine. I realize this sounds like a contradiction, and I am sure Uriel will fix this in the next patch.

  23. smotd says:

    This is how I want all of my news from now on.

  24.         ‎ ‏     ‎ ‏     ‎ ‏     ‎ ‏ says:

    Was the number 4 in part 2 about EM drives? Also loved this interlude.

  25. Malenky Scot says:

    Does 11 in 5776.11 refers to the twelfth month? ‘Cause 5776 had 13 🙂

  26. fubarobfusco says:

    Ohh, now I get it. Boiling a goat in its mother’s milk overflows a buffer somewhere related to placental mammal reproduction. This causes the next initialized baby’s body to be prototyped with a sex that doesn’t match its soul’s gender. And this breaks the soulmate algorithm even worse than same-sex relationships do.

    Really it’s a design problem though. Sex determination in placental mammals is a big kludge that only works when absolutely everything goes right.

    PATCH 5775.3 IS ROLLED BACK. YET ANOTHER FAILED ATTEMPT TO FIX THE BOILING A GOAT IN ITS MOTHER’S MILK BUG. 5775.3 DID FIX IT, BY REBASING PLACENTAL MAMMAL SEX DETERMINATION ON THE SIMPLIFIED SYSTEM THAT WORKS PERFECTLY WELL IN MARSUPIALS. BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT SOME USERS WERE USING MALE NIPPLES FOR. UM. PURPOSES. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

  27. AFTER LONG ANTICIPATION, GRAVITATIONAL WAVES HAVE FINALLY BEEN IMPLEMENTED. SORRY FOR THE A HUNDRED YEAR DELAY.

  28. Peter D says:

    So, does this interlude confirm that as of High Holidays of the year 5777 in Unsong universe Uriel is still alive and in charge of running the world? Meaning the Comet King didn’t replace him in the end.

    • Parmenides says:

      This year is 5777 in the Jewish calendar.

      • Peter D says:

        I know

      • Peter D says:

        Besides some remark from Aaron earlier (Interlude Vav: “We learned that Uriel, the only entity keeping any of this even slightly functional, has some serious issues of his own and does not entirely inspire confidence”) I don’t think there was an unambiguous confirmation that Uriel is still in charge (and this remark could arguably be referring to the past.) And we know TCK wanted to replace him, but decided against it at the time. So, useful to have some confirmation on that front

        • The coment king says:

          We also know that Sohu was at TCK’s seder, implying that she wasn’t busy running the world at the time. And that was right before he died.

  29. camsexy says:

    You can even submit your own emotes to add to the MFC collection and other members and models can use them!

  30. R Flaum says:

    I think the way “NPCs” is used here is very interesting.

  31. Sniffnoy says:

    8. NPCS NO LONGER TREAT MARIJUANA AS DEADLY MIND-ALTERING TOXIN.

    Given how dangerous drugs are in this story, that definitely can’t be canon!

  32. hlynkacg says:

    How does the nobody will die from wild beasts issue interact with the recent buff to sharks?

  33. hlynkacg says:

    In addition, I enjoyed this post way too much and I kind of hope it becomes a standard thing.

  34. Autolykos says:

    Love the reference to Minchin’s Rule in 2.11

    Also, I suspect part of the sharks’ code has been mixed up with carps. It would probably be a good idea to investigate the constructors and bite(1) methods of both.

  35. Rob Fisher says:

    The kinds of bugs on display here give me the sense that the universe has descended into spaghetti code. Maybe some refactoring is in order!

    • Ninmesara says:

      God is a smart sysadmin and has chosen a 72 random letter password the users will find very hard to discover. Did you know they can only test about to password of that length per minute?

      • Decius says:

        It doesn’t matter how secure your password is if userland behavior can execute a buffer overflow onto the firmware kernel.

  36. Ninmesara says:

    I’m commenting here because the comment form of chapter 41 seems to have disappeared.

    [during the UNSONG raid] I heard them discuss where they were taking you, but I was afraid

    This is extremely convenient. Did they tell something to the effect of: “SECRET UNSONG DETENTION FACILITY A MILE SOUTH WEST OF IONE CALIFORNIA”? I can believe they might have said something like “Well, it’s back to Ione, now”, and she used her mad skillz on the darkweb (or even the non-dark web such as conspiracy theory forums and whatever) to find the exact location of the SECRET UNSONG DETENTION FACILITY. I know she’s just trying to explain how she managed to tell Aaron about how Ana went to rescue him, but it’s a little jarring.

    But when we reached you, you were gone.

    Now this one is really hard for Sarah to know. How does she know that Aaron is gone?
    Not even Ana knows that he’s gone! She just obeys his order to get out. An that order is communicated through telepathy, which Sarah presumably can’t eavesdrop on. Of course, at the moment, Sarah knows that Aaron’s gone (because she’s spotted him in LA through surveillance cameras or whatever), but when the email was written she had way to even suspect he was gone. From her perspective, Ana enters the facility, is spotted by Malia and runs away without even establishing communication with Aaron. The only way that Sarah could have known about Aaron’s escape would be to infiltrate the facility alone and overhearing it in conversation. Unless she can actually hack into UNSONG’s computers and interecpt their communications (she apparently can hack cellphones and ATM machines).

    And finally, her rescue plan is basically: “We go there while invisible, and improvise from there, while I lie to Ana about everything being fine”. Why does she even need Ana to go? She seems perfectly capable to go there alone.

    The case I’m making is not that Sarah’s actions are actually impossible, is that she might not be telling Aaron the whole story. These details in the email, together with the fact that their rescue plan is really badly thought out make me think we should not believe everything she says.

  37. “SHARKS HAVE BEEN UPDATED TO BE MUCH MORE DANGEROUS.”

    “NOBODY WILL DIE FROM WILD BEASTS.”

    They look incompatible.

  38. Decius says:

    10. PEOPLE CAN GET INFINITE LIFESPAN BY INJECTING BLOOD OF YOUNGER PEOPLE.

    This is clearly a feature. See Luke 22:17-20, Ephesians 3:16-19, Hebrews 7:23-24, John 3:13-17, and especially Hebrews 9:11-18, describing the opposite of Genesis 3:22-23.

    Clearly the way to forgiveness for learning the difference between right and wrong is to accept the blood of innocents into our hearts.

  39. Anaxagoras says:

    Nice feature to have the Bear book name change when one refreshes the page. How did you implement that?

    • Sniffnoy says:

      Whoa! And it’s even happening when people write it in the comments…

      (I noticed it seemed to keep changing in the comments, but I failed to actually make the connection and say “Hey, maybe it is changing. Minus points to me for not noticing confusion!)

      • Anonymous says:

        Bakkot trick.

        (I’d have written .replace(/(Berenst)([ae])(in)/gi, function (_,l,m,r) { var t={'a':['a','e'],'e':['a','e'],'A':['A','E'],'E':['A','E']}; return l+t[m][Math.random()<.5?0:1]+r; })…)

    • Decius says:

      It’s the same root bug as New Zealand being intermittent. Unfortunately there isn’t an uncorrupted backup to restore.

  40. sdagsdfksdn says:

    What is this, Late Night With Conan O’Brien? There’s nothing worse than news headline humour

  41. Kim says:

    Lol. Elon Musk is a glitchmob.

  42. ADifferentAnonymous says:

    Hilarious, had me laughing out loud in public.

  43. Griff says:

    Is the Bernstein issue related to the quantum state of the Lindbergh baby?

  44. TR says:

    Issue 10 has been resolved as per http://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms13363 : Now you can prematurely age people by injecting them with old folks’ blood.

  45. Forge the Sky says:

    Usually when I read funny lists I laugh at 1-3 of the items, smirk at 60% of the others, and just glaze past the rest.

    There were like 3 of these that didn’t make me laugh out loud. Probably a new record. Well done.

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